So… here goes

When I say “see you later Danny,” I mean in the realm of spirit, where I know I’ll eventually be. A place where I’ll have the eyes to see we can all be in the same place together in spirit. As it stands, you are there and I am here. I can go into meditations and visit you in spirit, but I can’t physically hang out with you and experience the same things we have over the last 61 years. I know you are near, but you aren’t HERE. I’m still not sure what that will mean or how it’s going to affect me.

Death is surreal. When someone close to you is there one second and gone the next, it takes a while to sink in. At first, we don’t believe it. My first reflex was wanting to ask “are you sure?” By the way Mare sounded when she was telling me, that question would not have been appropriate. However, in my mind I was still asking. It took a few days for the shock to wear off and I’m still not there yet.

I knew I had to leave and put everything on hold to go down to your house and be with our family. Preparing to leave is a blur. I packed up my stuff and in the process of that, Joey, Arika & Jenny came over to be with me. I took a shower and a few minutes later, we were all out in the backyard while I showed everyone how to water my plants. Even that was weird. I remember not knowing how to act.

On the way down, a series of Neil Young songs played in my car. That pretty much had me crying the whole way and I don’t remember anything else about the drive down. I got there only a few hours after the accident and all the kids were standing in the backyard with dazed looks on their faces when I pulled up. When I got out of the car Steven was the first to greet me with probably one of the best hugs I’ve ever had. I proceeded to hug the rest of the immediate family “kids” (not kids anymore, but kids to me) and then went inside, where I found Mare sitting on the couch in the living room. She got up immediately and greeted me with a big hug as well. Enveloped in that hug I could feel her pain become my pain and mine become hers. Mare is my best friend and soul-sister. Danny was her everything and she was his. Her and I will have to get through this together.

After that, I don’t remember who, when or what, I just know there was a series of people coming in and out of the house and soon all my sons showed up. What a blessing to have them there with me again, going through the pain of another death. My mom/their grandmother passed about three years earlier, although that one not as tragic. I say that because my mom was suffering health issues, so when she did finally pass it gave us all a sense of relief – as painful as it still was.

My brother is a different story. He had obtained a Harley motorcycle from a family member as payment for services rendered from a painting job and he still wasn’t use to the weight of the bike. He ended up on the wrong side of a yellow line on a blind curve and into oncoming traffic – and that was it. I’m haunted with what might have been the look on his face as he realized what was about to go down. I’m also haunted by the fact that his good friend who was riding with him went back and saw my brother with his eyes still open and chest slightly moving, he didn’t think Danny was seeing him. At least not from his physical eyes. This is only what I was told and not by the friend. He and I are friends as well, but I think it would be as painful for him to give me details as it would be for me to hear it – and that’s ok for now. Do I want more detail? Does it matter? I bring these things up because it’s what I’m dealing with in my mind right now and this is my place to speak about it.

I was also told there were people who happened on the scene who were taking pictures of my brother’s final moments. Can you imagine that? That’s another thing that haunts me. The fact that some random person/s has a photo of my dying brother on their phone. That makes me feel angry and sick inside. How do I get rid of that feeling and these images in my head? The only way for me to deal with this is to acknowledge he is spirit now and doesn’t require a body to carry on. Energy doesn’t die, it only changes form and that is a great comfort to me.

Before I started writing this, I went into a deep meditation knowing it was going to be intense, but had no idea just how much. It started off with my usual healing body scan. I haven’t mentioned yet that the whole time I was down at my brother’s house with the family dealing with this loss, I was also dealing with a spot on my shin that I have a feeling is skin cancer. Before I found out about my brother, I had been telling myself I was going to call the next week to make an appointment to see the dermatologist. That suddenly got put on the back-burner. The whole fricken time I was down there, I was looking at that thing on my leg and didn’t want to tell anyone because everyone was already overwhelmed, so I kept it to myself. As soon as I got back home and my sons walked out my door to go to back to their homes, I called and made the appointment. I was able to get in within hours that same day. They froze several pre-cancers and took a biopsy of the spot on the shin to which we are all pretty sure it’s a squamous-cell carcinoma. So now I wait for those results and then into surgery I’ll go.

Back to the body scan meditation. I go hard when I’m in there. I focus on every location I know there’s a problem (like my shin) and the whole rest of my body from the top of my head, to the souls of my feet. After body scan I usually meet with Future Me, but tonight went a bit different. Instead, it became a reunion with me and my family members in the spirit. Not all of them, just my immediate family. My mom, dad and brother. I’m the only one left here “alive.”

I first went into my memories with Danny and went back as far as I could remember, then worked my way forward. I know a lot of those “memories” were just photos I have of us when we were little, but those still count. I do still have vivid memories tho. I remember him having asthma attacks when he was a baby. I remember seeing him in a tent covered in sweat and that must’ve been pretty traumatizing to me at the time because I see it vividly. I remember us both in a bowling league when we were not even teenagers yet. I remember Danny and I in the pool at Nonnie and Papa’s apartment (grandparents dad’s side). I remember driving to Huntington Beach with Nonnie and Papa to see our cousins, aunt and uncle and singing songs the whole way there. Fyi, Nonnie and Papa have long since passed, but Danny is singing songs with Nonnie now and I love the thought of that

So many memories of Danny. Some made me smile, some made me cry. Here are photos of some of those times:

I could go on and on posting photos, it’s so hard to stop

Back to the meditation…

… After the trip down memory lane with my brother – my mom, dad and Danny entered into my presence and were there in front of me. Danny on the left, my mom in the middle and dad on the right. We went into some really important stuff. Lots of things that needed to be said and that I needed to hear. Things from way back that included my dad and the divorce and then things that happened with our restaurant involving my mom and brother. From where they’re all sitting, they can now understand the immobilizing pain I have gone through and know I never intended to hurt anyone. I’ve been carrying guilt and a sense of unworthiness that has held me back in several areas of life. It’s comforting for me to know they see the mistakes they’ve made as well and that I no longer hold onto resentment.

It was healing session.

I asked Danny what he’d like me to do for him. The answer came loud and clear. 1. Heal relationships. 2. Help Mare get through this. 3. Move forward in life without fear.

As I finish up writing this on Father’s Day 2025, I think about how much he cherished this day, having his kids around him, along with a few other dads and their kids. Danny you were a kind, gentle and loving father. You’ve raised some great kids who are now adults. Vanessa, Steven, Trinity and Evan will go on to carry out your legacy in love and compassion just as you’ve taught them. But this day is going to be hard on everyone.

We will miss you so much Danny! I’ve mentioned to a couple of people I didn’t realize how many times in a day something or several things will pop up that I want to share with you, whether I end up doing it or not. Now I wish I would’ve shared everything.

Shoulda, coulda, woulda…

Life is not going to be how I envisioned without you in it. The songs I wanted to learn on guitar to eventually play with you, the adventures I thought we’d all go on in beautiful places, future concerts with our concert crew, growing old as siblings together as we watch our kids raise their own families, and so much more

You were the glue in our family. The home base everyone gathered around. Now we have to be that for each other. We have to keep you in mind when the family pot gets stirred. What would Danny do? We all know what you would do. You would love and support without judgment. Accept people for who they are. Be gentle and kind. Make everyone feel they are seen and heard. I love you Danny. I’m going to miss you here. Words don’t quite cut it

I’ll end with some of my favorite videos of him and I together…

I LOVE YOU DANNY!!!!!!!!!

The last photo taken of him just minutes before the accident

Here’s a Youtube video my son and I put together pretty quick for the Celebration of Life. I still want to make some tweaks to it. Warning, it’s long.