love – Amid Life Mindset https://amidlifemindset.com None but ourselves can free our minds Sun, 19 Nov 2023 05:00:41 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.7.1 https://amidlifemindset.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/08/cropped-LogoMakr_0zJwYfwhite-1-32x32.png love – Amid Life Mindset https://amidlifemindset.com 32 32 See You Later Momma https://amidlifemindset.com/see-you-later-momma/ https://amidlifemindset.com/see-you-later-momma/#respond Wed, 19 Oct 2022 22:35:12 +0000 http://amidlifemindset.com/?p=1408 Read more…]]>

Oh momma, I always knew the day would come, but are we ever really prepared for it? I found it hard to imagine exactly how you would pass, but figured it would have to do with your body struggling to do the most basic of autonomic impulses, merely take a breath. I Felt conflicted. I didn’t want you to be gone from my life, but I knew you were tired. You needed relief from the struggle. I vividly remember you calling me while I was working about a week before you went into the hospital. I told you I couldn’t talk right then because I was on a delivery, but I could hear in your voice this call was something different, so I made sure to call you right back. You told me you were all by yourself the night before and had a scare. You felt you were going to die soon and you wanted to make sure I knew you loved me.

Linda Jean Beezley – 5/24/42 – 5/20/22: Last Days from My Perspective

     I know there were other people there, but this account is what I experienced, so this has to be about me and what I saw and felt.

      Hanging out in the hospital with you was surreal. It was just days before your 80th birthday and you were excited about that. I wasn’t sure you were going to make it, but did my best to go along with it and as I sat and watched you in your dream state, I could tell you were having vivid dreams. You told me about one you thought was real upon waking. You said everyone was singing happy birthday to you. All the Craven kids were there and Danny and Mare. I couldn’t help but wonder why you didn’t mention me. Wasn’t I there too?

   I feel guilty for being annoyed about your choice of TV viewing in the hospital and how I reacted to some of the things you said in your last days. Did we really have to watch Fox News at a time like this? You even turned to mention to me that Tucker Carlsen was thinking about running for president. Like I would give a flying fuck. As I rolled my eyes you turned to another family member and said “Dana hates all republicans.” Why mom? Why did you have to turn away from me and say something like that? I was so pissed at you for that. I had to make an excuse to leave the room. Luckily my sons had arrived and I was going to meet them downstairs. I made the suggestion you turn the TV off or change the channel by the time we all came back in.

After discussing your condition with the doctor, we knew your life couldn’t be sustained. At first they were thinking they were going to move you from Colorado Springs, back to Canon City. I let the doctor know I thought that was a horrible idea. I pleaded with her to keep you there and move you into hospice on one of the upper floors. You would not have made it to Canon. They couldn’t even move you into another bed without you having a major crash. We were blessed they decided to put you in a room with the most awesome view of Pikes Peak. Although it was more for us, I’m not sure you ever saw anything out that window. I’m hoping you were able to once you left your body.

View from her room in hospice
View from her room in hospice (Colorado Springs).

I was so glad all three of my sons were there with me! Their support meant everything to me. Jason drove all the way from Chicago to be there. For five days we sat together, ate together and took walks around the hospital to stretch our legs.

Hospital Chapel
Hospital Chapel
Hospital Chapel 2
Hospital Chapel

Joey and Danny were able to get some bonding time sleeping in the hospital room with you, while Jason, Joshua and I went to a hotel room. Although Joshua did decide to stay at the hospital the night before you passed. Once you went into hospice, they had you pretty drugged up on morphine, so we weren’t able to communicate with you much, but I believe you heard us talking to you and were able to listen in on all our conversations. We’re kind of a crazy bunch. I imagine you were probably laughing with us (and at us) on occasion. Jason got you the most beautiful flowers in all your favorite colors and I wanted so bad for you to see them! I was able to wake you up for just a couple of seconds. I stood at the foot of your bed and held the flowers in front of you. You opened your eyes real big and looked right at them. That was the last time I saw your eyes with life in them. Those flowers might have been the last thing you saw on this earth while still in your body, so I kept one of them.

Flowers Jason brought in for her
Flowers Jason brought in for her
Precious last moments
Precious last moments
Mom and Danny
Mom and Danny
Blessed with a view
Blessed with a view
Danny and Joshua
Danny and Joshua

During this time in your hospital room and back at the hotel, I thought a lot about the past. When I was little and curled up on the couch with you as you tickled my back. I remember that suckerfish we had in our tank for such a long time. After it finally died you took it upon yourself to put it in a shoebox and we had a little funeral for it in the backyard. We had that fish for so long it had become family! We were living in the cul-de-sac on Meda in Glendora, which was also around the same time you fostered Greg and Yvette (a whole nother story). I also thought about all those times on the Mariposa in Oceanside Harbor and at the river when you were married to Richard Harder. I see those as some of the best times of my life. He was a great man and an even better stepfather to us. He stepped in and did the things our own father wouldn’t. He even coached my softball teams! You made a great choice with him and we had such fun times on that boat. During the holidays you would make our home so cozy and magical. I vividly remember the feeling I had inside. It was one of love and contentment. Those were the good times. I only want to focus on those going forward.

Mom and us 1
Look at those abs!
Mom and us 2
Mom and us 3
OG Fam
OG Fam
Colorado River Days
Colorado River Days
More river days
More river days
My momma. So beautiful!
So beautiful!
River Rat
River Rat
Always the best cars
Always the best cars
So happy at Joey & Arika's wedding
So happy at Joey & Arika’s wedding
Our family with mom
Our family with mom
Mom and Aunt Kathleen
Mom and Aunt Kathleen

I was obsessed with watching you and kept looking for signs you were going to pass. It even got to the point I was afraid to take a bathroom break. I wanted to be prepared to envelope you in my love on your way out of this physical realm and into the world of spirit. This may sound weird, but as I watched you I kept thinking to myself how you reminded me of a fish out of water laying on a shore gasping for breath. You didn’t belong here like that. As the gasps became few and far between, I watched as your eyes changed. They opened a bit and started to roll upward and in. I knew this was it, so I slid my arms around and under your back, so I could cradle you. I wanted you to feel me as close to you as I could possibly be. As I put my head down next to your ear, I told you “I love you, I’ll see you later,” and said our je t’aime. I wanted that to be the last thing you heard.

All of a sudden you weren’t there anymore. I went back to your hospital bed several times to touch you and kiss you on the forehead in a state if disbelief. I’d pick up your hand and it was pliable yet lifeless. I found it hard to stop touching you because I knew I never would again. Danny and Trinity were there, along with all my sons. Everyone cried and hugged each other. We had all just witnessed you take your last breath, which is probably THE most intense, yet meaningful experience a human could ever have.

After Effects

For a couple months afterward, I felt your dying eyes would be forever ingrained into my memory and it haunted me. As I write this, it’s about four months after your death and I’ve since come to a realization of sorts, which has made the visual much easier on me. I understand that as life was leaving your body, your eyes were last. As you lost control of those muscles they angled upward and inward to where your spirit was leaving your body. I honestly believe the vacuum it created pulled all the life that was in you up and out along with your spirit. THAT is an image I can deal with.

I know you’re okay now. I believe you’re in a place where our Creator has shown you the truth about some things that weren’t clear to you while you were here. There has always been more to the story than you were able to see and hear.

I love you mom.

And hey, I’m drawing a portrait of you! I’ll post that here when I’m done. I’m going to try incorporating some of your ashes in it. That’s what I’m choosing to do with some of your remains.

P.S. I found your ring! But you probably already know that 😉

Mom's ring
Designed by my mom after her first ring was stolen. She thought this one was stolen as well and was absolutely sick about it.

I may have to come back and add thoughts as I think of them, but that’s the great thing about a blog, you can come back and do stuff like that. Also, someone reading this might think I shouldn’t have written anything negative. Well, that’s life and you can bite me. This ain’t about you.

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My Son Jason: A Young College Basketball Player and Stroke Victim https://amidlifemindset.com/my-son-jason-a-young-college-basketball-player-and-stroke-victim/ https://amidlifemindset.com/my-son-jason-a-young-college-basketball-player-and-stroke-victim/#respond Sat, 23 Feb 2019 10:37:58 +0000 http://amidlifemindset.com/?p=911 Read more…]]>

It was the morning of July 20, 2015. My son Jason’s 22nd birthday. I was living by myself in a cool little rental house and loving it. My cousin Julie and I partied the night before and I had left my car at the venue a few miles away. I received a call from my husband Joe the next morning (we were separated at the time), but I was feeling too crappy to talk to anyone right then, so I didn’t answer. Julie was asleep on my couch. Then a text came, and said something like “Dana, call me right now. Jason is in the hospital!” As I read it, my heart sank into my stomach and I quickly called him back. He told me Jason had suffered a stroke.

I don’t remember the order of things, but I was told he was being air-lifted to University of Colorado Hospital and we were all going to meet there. It was going to take me possibly two hours to get there and I still had to go get my car. I explained everything to my cousin the best I could while in shock and completely ashamed I was so hungover, which made it even more surreal.

She got me to my car and I proceeded to make my way to the Denver area from Canon City. Amazingly, we all made it to the hospital at the same time (Joe and the boys from Fort Collins, me from Canon City) and were able to park in the same area and walk in together. It was Joe, Joey, Joshua and me. We were all scared to death at what we were walking into. We had absolutely no idea what condition he’d be in when we saw him. Joshua was crying at the thought of it and the rest of us were just in shock. That’s all I can remember about the period before we saw him.

The helicopter had landed on top of the roof and they took him straight into surgery – THANK GOD (and thank the medical team!). By the time we all got there they had removed the clot and he was in recovery. I think we were able to go straight in to see him by the time we got there. Once we were in the room, we gathered around him waiting with baited breath to see if he could communicate with us. He was looking at us all ok but was clearly frustrated when trying to get his words out. Finally, in a loud whisper, he said “FUCK!” It was the sweetest sound any of us had ever heard. Joey doubled over and started crying and we all hugged and kissed on him with nervous joy.

The First Crucial Minutes

He stayed in the hospital a mere five days, and during that time they ran a multitude of tests as you can imagine. Nothing like this had ever happened before. Jason was a D1 college basketball player home for the summer and living at his brother Joey’s house. He said he woke up in the morning and felt strange but had to go pee. Not understanding what was going on, he tried to make his way to the bathroom. On his way he fell into a wall and made a loud noise, so Joey got up to see what it was (another THANK GOD). Joey found his brother at the bottom of the stairs in the basement. He had pee’d himself and couldn’t communicate, so Joey quickly realized there was something seriously the matter and called the paramedics. They arrived within just a few minutes and whisked him off to Poudre Valley Hospital in Fort Collins, where they made the decision their capabilities were too limited to treat him in the best possible way. That’s when they airlifted him to University of Colorado Hospital.

I can’t imagine the trauma Joey must have experienced seeing his brother like that. A memory that will be with him forever.

Hospital Time

Here is a post his dad made on Facebook to let everyone know what happened:

“ATTENTION EVERYONE! PRAYERS NEEDED 
this morning Joey Swahv McClellan
Found his brother Jason McClellan
At the foot of the stairs in their home. 
He couldn’t move the right side of his body and he couldn’t speak. 
It turns out that Jason had a small [not small, it was massive] stroke. 
He was flown via helicopter to University Hospital in Denver from Fort Collins. 
They removed a small blood clot from his brain. We are waiting for them to complete the 2nd MRI to make sure that the procedure removed all the clot.
Our family is all here with him and we will see him as soon as possible. 
I will keep you posted 
Please pray for my son 
He’s the strongest man I know so I know he WILL fully recover. Also today is Jason’s 22nd birthday 
Please share this so all his peeps can send prayers and healing energy his way.
You can’t keep the beast down
Update :
He’s in his room and we’re getting to see him.”

What a stroke looks like
A photo I took of the screen when the surgeon was describing Jason’s stroke. The left side shows blood flow after the clot was removed

Video of Time Spent In the Hospital

Reposted on Facebook:
Dana Gee McClellan I was walking with my arm around Joey while he was taking this video. He had happy tears flowing the whole time. He was the one who found his brother and saw the worst of it. I was spared that visual and didn’t see him until he was on the upswing. Joey saved his brother’ life yesterday ❤
Joey captured Jason’s first meal a day after the stroke. You can see him making conscious effort to gesture with his hand and is feeling a little self-conscious.
Lots of visitors came to love on Jason while he was at the hospital. Don’t mind me please, I was exhausted out of my mind.
We’re all just trying to figure out what he can do a little at a time.
Joey and I observing Jason three days after his first stroke. Everyone is amazed.
Jason walking out of the hospital on his own after five days. Beastmode!

Did That Really Happen?

Our family stayed and slept in his room the whole time he was hospitalized. There were many visitors consisting of family and friends. Here’s a post I made on Facebook when I reflected on it a month later:

“Sorry to bring this up again, but I was just going through the photos, comments and videos of the week of Jason’s stroke and I am overwhelmed with emotion right now. Did that really happen?

It was so surreal while it was going on. We were all so scared and I don’t think it really sank in at the time. I guess because we were all in survival mode? I don’t want to think of how bad it could’ve been because as bad as it was there was another aspect to it. It seemed like his survival was set up for success every step of the way: Joey was there to find him, the paramedics came and got him to the hospital in Fort Collins in time to have him taken by helicopter to the best possible neurosurgeon available at University Hospital in Denver, where they were able to immediately pull the clot and restore his brain function. 

To be with him now, you would never know it took place. Therapists have sent him on his way and he is back at UIC for the fall semester.

Thank you God! And thank you friends and family for loving and comforting us during that time with visits, comments, texts, phone calls and financial donations. It really helped us to get through it. This goes for you too Kay Marie <3<3<3

We love you Jason McClellan! And we are so glad you are still with us! All I can do is wonder why it happened to you of all people? Maybe because you were the one who could handle it? If nothing else, it brought our family closer together and made us realize what’s really important in this life. We are blessed to be able to take that from it.

#LOVE #LifeIsPrecious” 

The response was loving and supportive. So many awesome people caring about our family.

Back to School

The specialists worked hard to figure out how and why it happened, but never gave us an answer. They worked with him on coordination, motor skills and speech and he was doing very well within a matter of days. An absolute miracle as far as I was concerned. If you didn’t know him, you wouldn’t know anything had happened, but there were still issues. The next decision was, does he go back to school in the Fall? He decided yes. Jason was blessed to have played one good season with the team, but was no longer able to participate. He was however, able to keep his academic scholarship, which we were very grateful for! Getting back into the flow of college classes wasn’t easy for him though. He now had a bit of a learning disability. It wasn’t that he lacked intelligence, it was more that he struggled taking notes in class and transferring information from his brain into text. His condition is called “aphasia, which is a “loss of ability to understand or express speech, caused by brain damage.” Regardless of his issues, everything seemed to be going fine until one fall day…

A Second Massive Stroke

It happened October 9th, 2015. This time on both sides of his brain. Luckily his roommates were home when he was found crawling out of his room. They knew something was very wrong and they called the paramedics immediately. THANK GOD (and his roommates of course!). Paramedics came and scooped him up within a short period of time and got him to the hospital within a matter of a few minutes. EVERY MINUTE COUNTS. Jason lives in downtown Chicago in little Italy and the hospital he was taken to was only a couple miles away. The neurosurgeon was able to pull both clots out quickly once again. One of his roommates called Joe while it was all taking place, which started another panic in our family while we figured out our next moves from a thousand miles away. By the time I arrived in Chicago, he was still in the hospital but seemed just fine – almost. He was able to recover more quickly than the previous time. Maybe it was because the clots were removed within a shorter time frame? He was able to leave the hospital the evening I got there.

Jason-Hospital-Chicago-2nd-Stroke
Jason-Hospital-Chicago-2nd-Stroke
Here is a video of us leaving the hospital in Chicago after the second stroke

After a battery of more tests, the doctors still had no idea what was causing it. They put him on blood thinners and a statin drug to decrease his risk of another stroke. They also inserted a heart monitor which would record everything over a period of two years. I just kept asking myself “how could this be happening to such a strong young body? Why him?” While I was there in Chicago, I stayed on the couch in his bedroom and the night before I was to leave, Jason said something to me that completely shook me to my core. Just as we were shutting our eyes to go to sleep, Jason said “Mom, what if it happens again when you’re gone?” The shakiness of his voice was absolute fear. It was a comfort for him to have his momma there on the couch right next to his bed after such a scary event and OH MY GOD, I had never heard him like that. It crushed me. Of course, he’s going to be fearful and who else is this strong beautiful human going to be so vulnerable with but his mom? I took his hand and let him know I was right there and all he had to do was reach for me and I’d take immediate action. I also cancelled my flight and stayed a few more days until he felt more comfortable. Our time was spent eating, relaxing and riding bikes around the harbor – almost like it never happened!

We spent our time sightseeing over the next couple of days. Jason was my guide!

A Partial Diagnoses

It took a while, but we later found out from part of the team of specialists, that Jason has a genetic disorder in the MTHFR (methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase) gene (i.e. the motherfucker gene, so I can remember it). According to https://ghr.nlm.nih.gov/gene/MTHFR, “Polymorphisms in the MTHFR gene have also been studied as possible risk factors for a variety of common conditions. These include heart disease, stroke, high blood pressure (hypertension), high blood pressure during pregnancy (preeclampsia), an eye disorder called glaucoma, psychiatric disorders, and certain types of cancer. Research indicates that individuals who have the 677C>T polymorphism on both copies of the MTHFR gene have an increased risk of developing vascular disease, including heart disease and stroke.” From what I’ve gathered by doing my own research, this probably isn’t the only culprit, only a contributing factor. Jason is now taking a folate supplement along with blood thinners, and has his INR (International Normalized Ratio) checked regularly.

Two Strokes and a Bachelor’s Degree in Communications

It was hard for me to imagine Jason going back to school after all this adversity, but it wasn’t my decision to make. There wasn’t a question in his mind. He was going to finish school and finish he did! He graduated with his Bachelor’s in Communications and our family was there to cheer him on!

Cap and gown photo
He did it!
Family at Jason's graduation
Jason’s Graduation from UIC

Through all of this, Jason has taken on a new motto, “No bad days!” When I associate it to all he’s been through, it helps me get through my own mental bullshit and realize my problems are miniscule compared to what they could be. Jason is my hero!

His attitude a day after his second stroke in a Facebook post:
“I’ll tell you one thing… It’s gonna take a lot more than a couple severe strokes to take me down.”

Since then he became somewhat of a poster boy for youth stroke. His neurosurgeon featured him in a series of promotional videos aired on local television in Chicago, and also during the World Series when the Cubs played and won! We had people tell us they saw the video before we knew it had aired!

The First UI Health video (I need to find the second)
UIC College “Getting to Know the MBB Newcomers: Jason McClellan” just so you understand the level he was at.

The thought of completely or even partially losing Jason was the scariest thing our family has been through. We don’t understand why it happened to Jason of all people, but we knew we had to find the good in it. For one, it brought our family closer. We’ve always been close, but It helped us to realize what’s most important in life and that we can always count on each other – as cliché as that may sound. It was the beginning of a better relationship between Joe and I as well. I believe Jason became a stronger person with a greater appreciation for life. Not that he didn’t appreciate it before, he’s always been a go-getter, it’s just that he now realizes how fragile life can be and that any day you are able to wake up to live another day, is a good one. “NO BAD DAYS!”

Jason and I


RECOGNIZE THE SIGNS OF A STROKE AND ACT F.A.S.T.

Act F.A.S.T.
https://www.strokeawareness.com/patient/know-the-10-signs.html
Stroke facts
https://www.hoag.org/about-hoag/news-publications/hoag-for-life/spring/2016/may-is-stroke-awareness-month/
80% of strokes are preventable
https://www.tananachiefs.org/may-is-national-stroke-awareness-month/

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Homesick https://amidlifemindset.com/homesick/ https://amidlifemindset.com/homesick/#respond Sat, 23 Feb 2019 10:05:51 +0000 http://amidlifemindset.com/?p=1047 Read more…]]> What is Home?

It’s a longing for more of a feeling than a place. When I was younger, “home” was the place I felt secure. A sanctuary where I was surrounded by all my own things comforting to me. I may have been a child of divorce and had a very hard time getting along with my custodial parent (my mom), but I had a good upbringing nontheless. Even after leaving the nest, I was able to feel a sense of sanctuary living with roommates while partying my brains out, and then later while Joe and I were raising a family. The Home we raised our children in for most of their childhood, is the place I last felt “home.”

McClellan-boys-12th-street
McClellan-boys-Joey-Joshua-Jason-12th-street

Our sons were – Joey 8, Jason 5 and Joshua 2 when we entered into homeownership. Our home had all the typical sights and sounds of a young family with little boys. Video games, bouncing balls (Jason, that means you), yelling, squealing, crying, laughing, fighting, bugs in pockets (Joshua 😊), dogs, reptiles, dirt, etc.… And while I may have been temporarily annoyed by some of it, it was sanctuary for all of us. Our home was the hub of regular meals, parties, events and good vibes for not just our family, but many other people. Joe and I loved to entertain and there were always people around to enjoy it.

The Beginning of the End of “Home.”

A few years later, we somehow managed to open the doors of McClellan’s Grill & Brewing Company, which was quite an accomplishment, but it was the beginning of the end of “home” for me. I don’t know if the rest of the family feels as I do, but this is my perspective. At first, it was as if we were carrying our love of entertaining to a larger venue. The dining area was to feel more like an extension of our living room. Neither Joe nor I had any experience managing such an undertaking, but we were nervously excited anyway.

McClellan’s Grill & Brewing Company (Canon City, Colorado) Sign

After about a year, the excitement yielded to stress and worry as we realized there would be no way to sustain it with such a large debt service. My mom and her husband at the time had invested a couple hundred grand into the endeavor and we were responsible for making that payment along with another payment to a friend who had invested almost as much. There were others, but I don’t have the time to get into all that. As bills were pouring in, we got to a point where we were having to decide whether we should pay our utilities or our employees. Yes, it was that bad. It’s not like we didn’t have business. Our customers liked our beer and loved our food. It was just that we overbuilt the project and were not able to sustain it. There were many other mistakes as well, but we were newbies. Had we the time to tweak it more and get our shit together, things may have worked out, but time was not on our side. The bank came and shut us down on October 25th, 2010 and we lost everything. The worst part of it all, our family and friends lost their investments too.

During the nearly 3-1/2 years we were in operation, our family life began to disintegrate. Joey and Jason were teenagers both working at the pub, while Joshua pre-teen ran around town without much supervision. We were consumed with the business and even when I was home, I was so mentally checked out I couldn’t function at the level I should have to be raising a family. As the youngest, Joshua got jipped. He didn’t get the attention he needed and began to get into trouble. When our business went under that was one of a host of reasons I finally felt relief. I could turn attention to family again. Although I wasn’t quite ready to admit that to everyone. No one could possibly understand the anguish and stress that business caused in our lives. I can’t even put it into words.

Life Happens

A week later, we lost our home.

We had lived there about twelve years and accumulated all the stuff you could imagine raising a family of five in a four-bedroom house on an acre of land. It was a ton of work going through everything and deciding what to keep and what to get rid of. This era should’ve marked a positive new phase in our lives had we the mental capacity at the time to do it right, but Joe and I were deeply resentful towards each other and it just got worse. I managed to find a beautiful rental home to move into and we stayed there about a year. It was a nice change, but the recent loss and stress we experienced made it hard to fully enjoy. On top of that, Joe decided to go to Cabo San Lucas to train selling timeshare, while I stayed and tried to deal with my thoughts, my family and the rest of the people in town – on my own, which didn’t help our relationship much from my perspective.

Joe didn’t end up having much success in that capacity, so he came back after a couple of months and we moved to Fort Collins. We felt we needed to get the hell out of that town (that’s how I felt at the time) and begin again on a clean slate. However, it didn’t turn out the way we had hoped. The new rental felt cold. Joey had previously moved out on his own and Joe and I just became more intolerant of each other. He ended up leaving me in the summer of 2012. It was probably better one of us left, because the road we were headed down looked very bleak. That doesn’t mean it wasn’t heartbreaking. Watching him pull out of the driveway for what I thought was the last time, was more than I could take on top of everything else.

Looking back on it all, it’s been my perception that after family falls apart, there is no such thing as “home.” Not for a while. I lost home in 2010, and because the last couple of years in that house were spent in LaLa Land, I figure it’s been well over ten years since I’ve experienced any type of sanctuary. I take that back. I was able to live in a house on my own for a few months in 2015 and I loved it! But I always had the nagging thought in the back of my mind it wouldn’t be for long because the owner was selling it and that’s not home. Since then, I’ve been living out of bags, always in someone else’s house and with someone else’s things (I did get to work with a catering company on the Garth Brooks tour for some of that time though!). All of my belongings – furniture, décor, trinkets, housewares, and most of my clothing – sat in storage for years until I finally moved it into my mom’s garage while I was caregiving.

Presently, I’m living in Joe’s house. Decorated by Joe and with things I can’t really claim as mine, as most of my belongings are now three hours away. Our relationship isn’t perfect, but it’s much better. I don’t really know what to make of it, though we do love each other. Since I’ve begun putting many hours into a project of his, I feel my contribution to the household is covered, but I need more for myself. A bed would be nice. I’ve been sleeping on the couch most of the time because I sleep better there (especially now that I’d have to battle a 100-pound Great Dane for space on the bed!). It’s not that I don’t appreciate what Joe is doing for me. I’m grateful to have basic needs met, like a roof over my head, a place to sleep and food in my belly. But like I said, I need more and it’s not something he or anyone else can do for me. Those are the physical things. More importantly, there is a mental part of it.

The mental part has to do with sanctuary. To me, sanctuary is a feeling, the true essence of home. A place where there are positive vibes and plenty of love, laughter, family and joy around me. It’s also a feeling of security and an encouraging vision of life for the future. I just haven’t been feeling very much of that. And then there is the loneliness. I’m alone about 90% of the time. I work alone, hike alone (most times), draw alone, eat most of my meals alone, and now with a recently reignited passion for writing, I’ll be doing that alone too. Yes, I’m introspective and thrive in my alone time, but it’s also nice to be part of a tribe. I can’t wait around for them to magically come to me. I have to put in the effort to build and/or become of part of something bigger than me – however frustrating it may be to find, stick with and implement. I have many ideas and projects that could really make my life a whole lot better, but never any money to implement them. As we segway into the next paragraph…

My relationship with money is part of what keeps me from feeling sanctuary. If I had more, I’d have the ability to create a better environment for myself and not be at the mercy of others. Jobs are always just temporary to me. When you work in food & beverage, that’s all it ever is. Now I’m a woman over 50 and it’s not easy to find work in that industry. I am invisible to them. It doesn’t help that I’m living in a town full of beautiful young college students who don’t require much to live on while mom and dad pay living expenses. That’s my competition and it’s ok. I’m sick of that industry anyway.

How can I remedy this dilemma?

Home Exists

It’s part of what this whole blog is about. Home exists, I know it and I’ll have it again. It’s my #1 driving force. A comforting environment where I have all of my things around me, sleep in a bed, do my art, plant a big beautiful garden, love on my family and have “a lot of wonderful chums, good music, and booze around. And a damn good kitchen to cook in.” ~ Ava Gardner.

Longing for home quote
❤

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