Oh momma, I always knew the day would come, but are we ever really prepared for it? I found it hard to imagine exactly how you would pass, but figured it would have to do with your body struggling to do the most basic of autonomic impulses, merely take a breath. I Felt conflicted. I didn’t want you to be gone from my life, but I knew you were tired. You needed relief from the struggle. I vividly remember you calling me while I was working about a week before you went into the hospital. I told you I couldn’t talk right then because I was on a delivery, but I could hear in your voice this call was something different, so I made sure to call you right back. You told me you were all by yourself the night before and had a scare. You felt you were going to die soon and you wanted to make sure I knew you loved me.

Linda Jean Beezley – 5/24/42 – 5/20/22: Last Days from My Perspective

     I know there were other people there, but this account is what I experienced, so this has to be about me and what I saw and felt.

      Hanging out in the hospital with you was surreal. It was just days before your 80^th birthday and you were excited about that. I wasn’t sure you were going to make it, but did my best to go along with it and as I sat and watched you in your dream state, I could tell you were having vivid dreams. You told me about one you thought was real upon waking. You said everyone was singing happy birthday to you. All the Craven kids were there and Danny and Mare. I couldn’t help but wonder why you didn’t mention me. Wasn’t I there too?

   I feel guilty for being annoyed about your choice of TV viewing in the hospital and how I reacted to some of the things you said in your last days. Did we really have to watch Fox News at a time like this? You even turned to mention to me that Tucker Carlsen was thinking about running for president. Like I would give a flying fuck. As I rolled my eyes you turned to another family member and said “Dana hates all republicans.” Why mom? Why did you have to turn away from me and say something like that? I was so pissed at you for that. I had to make an excuse to leave the room. Luckily my sons had arrived and I was going to meet them downstairs. I made the suggestion you turn the TV off or change the channel by the time we all came back in.

After discussing your condition with the doctor, we knew your life couldn’t be sustained. At first they were thinking they were going to move you from Colorado Springs, back to Canon City. I let the doctor know I thought that was a horrible idea. I pleaded with her to keep you there and move you into hospice on one of the upper floors. You would not have made it to Canon. They couldn’t even move you into another bed without you having a major crash. We were blessed they decided to put you in a room with the most awesome view of Pikes Peak. Although it was more for us, I’m not sure you ever saw anything out that window. I’m hoping you were able to once you left your body.

I was so glad all three of my sons were there with me! Their support meant everything to me. Jason drove all the way from Chicago to be there. For five days we sat together, ate together and took walks around the hospital to stretch our legs.

Joey and Danny were able to get some bonding time sleeping in the hospital room with you, while Jason, Joshua and I went to a hotel room. Although Joshua did decide to stay at the hospital the night before you passed. Once you went into hospice, they had you pretty drugged up on morphine, so we weren’t able to communicate with you much, but I believe you heard us talking to you and were able to listen in on all our conversations. We’re kind of a crazy bunch. I imagine you were probably laughing with us (and at us) on occasion. Jason got you the most beautiful flowers in all your favorite colors and I wanted so bad for you to see them! I was able to wake you up for just a couple of seconds. I stood at the foot of your bed and held the flowers in front of you. You opened your eyes real big and looked right at them. That was the last time I saw your eyes with life in them. Those flowers might have been the last thing you saw on this earth while still in your body, so I kept one of them.

During this time in your hospital room and back at the hotel, I thought a lot about the past. When I was little and curled up on the couch with you as you tickled my back. I remember that suckerfish we had in our tank for such a long time. After it finally died you took it upon yourself to put it in a shoebox and we had a little funeral for it in the backyard. We had that fish for so long it had become family! We were living in the cul-de-sac on Meda in Glendora, which was also around the same time you fostered Greg and Yvette (a whole nother story). I also thought about all those times on the Mariposa in Oceanside Harbor and at the river when you were married to Richard Harder. I see those as some of the best times of my life. He was a great man and an even better stepfather to us. He stepped in and did the things our own father wouldn’t. He even coached my softball teams! You made a great choice with him and we had such fun times on that boat. During the holidays you would make our home so cozy and magical. I vividly remember the feeling I had inside. It was one of love and contentment. Those were the good times. I only want to focus on those going forward.

I was obsessed with watching you and kept looking for signs you were going to pass. It even got to the point I was afraid to take a bathroom break. I wanted to be prepared to envelope you in my love on your way out of this physical realm and into the world of spirit. This may sound weird, but as I watched you I kept thinking to myself how you reminded me of a fish out of water laying on a shore gasping for breath. You didn’t belong here like that. As the gasps became few and far between, I watched as your eyes changed. They opened a bit and started to roll upward and in. I knew this was it, so I slid my arms around and under your back, so I could cradle you. I wanted you to feel me as close to you as I could possibly be. As I put my head down next to your ear, I told you “I love you, I’ll see you later,” and said our je t’aime. I wanted that to be the last thing you heard.

All of a sudden you weren’t there anymore. I went back to your hospital bed several times to touch you and kiss you on the forehead in a state if disbelief. I’d pick up your hand and it was pliable yet lifeless. I found it hard to stop touching you because I knew I never would again. Danny and Trinity were there, along with all my sons. Everyone cried and hugged each other. We had all just witnessed you take your last breath, which is probably THE most intense, yet meaningful experience a human could ever have.

After Effects

For a couple months afterward, I felt your dying eyes would be forever ingrained into my memory and it haunted me. As I write this, it’s about four months after your death and I’ve since come to a realization of sorts, which has made the visual much easier on me. I understand that as life was leaving your body, your eyes were last. As you lost control of those muscles they angled upward and inward to where your spirit was leaving your body. I honestly believe the vacuum it created pulled all the life that was in you up and out along with your spirit. THAT is an image I can deal with.

I know you’re okay now. I believe you’re in a place where our Creator has shown you the truth about some things that weren’t clear to you while you were here. There has always been more to the story than you were able to see and hear.

I love you mom.

And hey, I’m drawing a portrait of you! I’ll post that here when I’m done. I’m going to try incorporating some of your ashes in it. That’s what I’m choosing to do with some of your remains.

P.S. I found your ring! But you probably already know that

I may have to come back and add thoughts as I think of them, but that’s the great thing about a blog, you can come back and do stuff like that. Also, someone reading this might think I shouldn’t have written anything negative. Well, that’s life and you can bite me. This ain’t about you.

So here we are towards the end of 2021 and the last time I posted here on my blog was February 2020. The title of the post was: “THEME 2020: ALL ABOUT THAT DISCIPLINE.” I had just completed the Whole 30 elimination diet and was feeling mighty! We were only beginning to understand the effects of Covid and nobody understood what was about to happen.

What did happen is familiar to us all, so I don’t feel I need to go over it. What I will do is jot down a few takeaways.

It’s October 2021 and Covid is still here. Where are we now?

Well, some people are taking it seriously and some are not. Some people are pro-vax and some couldn’t be more against. Do politics have much to do with it all? Absolutely, but I’m not going to get into all that. What both sides of the argument agree on most is that it’s extremely important to build up a strong immune system. It’s always been important, but nowadays everything is depending on it. Where we work, who we interact with, where we travel, where we shop.

Most of us have taken a hard look at what is important in life and what we can leave out. Stuck in our homes, we began to look around at our surroundings to see what we could use and how we could de-clutter. If you had any space in your yard for a garden, it’s highly likely you even planted some vegetables to prepare for the uncertainty of not being able to find what you need at the grocery store.

The cool thing about it all was how resourceful people became. Many people reverted to bartering like the old days and even setting up local delivery systems. Employers realized they didn’t actually need their staff to be physically on-site in order to get work done and instead were able do it all remotely. This is huge and changes everything. I mean, just think about all the overhead it saves businesses to not have to pay for the space and all the supplies needed for that space while people are sitting there under that roof. How about the petroleum that isn’t being used and pollution that is no longer a result of it?

By now I’m sure most of us have heard the term “The Great Resignation.” I give kudos to all the people who have taken time to re-think the path they were on for something better. All those people working two and sometimes three jobs to pay for essentials like food, rent, fuel, childcare, etc… This has been a long time coming because the cost of living has far surpassed what our government considers a “living wage.” It’s been a breath of fresh air to see how creative people have gotten with regards to branding their own skills and marketing them. This gives humans a sense of purpose and direction. Yes, we all need money and will likely have to work at something we don’t like, but it doesn’t have to be all the time and in most cases we can start to edge it out if we work our passion hard enough. I’ve seen it and I want to be there too.

All this extra time people have had to go inward has been beneficial to many. Although many have used it to waste time. Health-wise, we’ve all seen the emergence of “expert” YouTube videos on many controversial topics and gone down the rabbit hole of conspiracy theories. It’s been extremely frustrating to us all on both sides of these issues. I have faith in us though. I believe we actually know deep down when something is true and not bullshit – or should I say, “uneducated opinion.” We know how we should be eating, drinking (or not drinking), exercising, thinking and interacting. WE JUST NEED TO DO IT. And do it more often than not. The world can be such an ugly place these days and we need to stop making it worse. I believe the first step in doing that is to feel good in our bodies and minds. Once we’re in that mode, it makes it easier to tune out the rest because we don’t want anything fucking up our flow.

Mindset reset

The holidays are upon us now, so it may not be the best time to embark on big changes, but small ones can still make a difference in the way we think.

• Less sitting, more walking.
• Less junk-food, more nutrient-dense calories.
• Less alcohol, more water.
• Less media input, more meditation.
• Less taking, more giving.
• Less hate, more love.

These are all things that can be integrated slowly over the next few months while thinking about how we want to start 2022. I’m going to be doing Whole 30 beginning January 1, so let me know if you’d like to join me. Maybe another challenge as well? I haven’t decided what yet. Challenges are good and January 1 is a great time to start them. I don’t care what anyone says to the contrary.

In the meantime, cheers to good health!

“Talent without discipline is like an octopus on roller skates. There’s plenty of movement, but you never know if it’s going to be forward, backwards, or sideways.” ~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Why Discipline?

Well, because I’m 57 years young and discipline is something I’ve never had very much of. Especially over the last decade. After the loss of our home, business, and several very important relationships, I’ve just kind of been meandering through life without a sense of direction. Slightly depressed most of the time and with a seriously low level of self-esteem. The only way I felt I could escape it was to get out and hike and hiking can’t be all there is to life. So, at the beginning of this decade I made a crucial decision. IT’S TIME. Time to live every area of my life with intention. I’m putting myself out there and I’m not going to be ashamed to be vulnerable. I need to quit squandering my precious existence and reach a potential I can be proud of – and, if I’m 100% honest, it would mean the world to me if my sons were proud of me too.

Don’t get me wrong, my sons love their momma, but I know they worry about me. They understand my potential and have witnessed my pain. What I don’t think they understand, is why there has been such a decline in developing that potential. They are all very driven and realize I must have had a hand in that. In fact, all of their lives I’ve urged them to live their passion and make a livelihood out of it. But what happened to mom? As much as I hate to admit it, I think watching me has taught them something else – and that’s how not to be. I know all about that feeling and it’s okay because I want so much more for them. I understand because I’ve felt the same way about my own mom, as much as I love her.

So, the reason I chose discipline is because that’s how this decade must start. I need to set that as the foundation, because without it, I won’t make anything happen. The best way to predict your future is to create it right? The way I plan to do that is by blocking out time and actually living off a schedule. Imagine that! I’ll select themes for every month and make challenges for myself, then document it through pictures, words and video via this blog and a variety of social media platforms.

If nothing else, by documenting what I’m doing now (with several glimpses into my past), I can make this a record for future generations, so they can learn about me. I’ll also keep a personal journal of all my ideas and the way I’d like my life to be structured. This Journal will include a variety of logs to help keep me accountable to myself. Exercise, food, meditation, art, writing, water intake, stuff like that. It’s called “Bullet Journaling” and I plan to write a post to cover that in more detail.

2020 has brought a major shift in my thinking and I’m relieved to have that last decade behind me. Looking back on it feels a bit dark. There were some bright moments, but for the most part I spent it in bondage to myself. I’m looking forward to a future full of art, health, family, prosperity and The Great Outdoors!

January Theme: Mind and Body Reset – It All Begins Here

“2020: The year of discipline,” had to begin with mind and body in the first month. Why?… Because once you realize you have the power to control what you eat and how you feel, you also find you have a higher capacity to think creatively and with a much higher level of energy. Suddenly, you have the momentum and motivation to take on other disciplines.

During the previous couple of months (over the holidays), I had been battling stomach issues. The term “bubbleguts” is exactly what I was experiencing. It wasn’t painful per se, it just felt uncomfortable and I was tired of it. I felt foggy and out of balance, which wasn’t conducive to pulling myself out of the funk. When January came, I didn’t even have to think twice about it. I was ready. A reset in all things “Dana.” I embarked upon an adventure to finally get my mind and body in balance. I focused on diet, mindset, meditation and hiking.

Whole 30 Elimination Diet

I settled on Whole 30 because a good friend of mine had done it and seemed to get good results. Whole 30 eliminates, all grains, dairy, legumes, added sugar, alcohol and processed foods. The idea is to purchase the foods you’d find on the outer walls of the grocery store. Whole fruits & vegetables, grass fed meats, everything as organic and minimally processed as you can find and afford. The thing I really liked about it was the fact that I could still eat my precious potatoes in moderation. Although as it turns out, I may have a bit of an intolerance to the nightshade family of vegetables, which weren’t on the elimination list. I can still eat them, but in moderation and not right before bed.

Biggest takeaways from Whole 30:

• We all eat waaay too much sugar! You will become very knowledgeable about levels of sugar in various foods and what you really need to stay away from. I’m not saying I’ll never again have a piece of pie or bowl of ice cream, but it sure won’t be very often. When I found myself craving something sweet, I opted for fruit and after a few days I got used to it and it became very satisfying. I had developed a new habit and my palate became super sensitive to sugar. Once you get to the point where your mind is telling you something is bad for you, you realize that is what this way of eating teaches you. It’s all about self-control, detecting certain substances and developing positive eating habits. Cutting sugar really isn’t all that painful. At least not for me. The reason it wasn’t painful or too hard for me to accomplish is because 1. I felt so awesome and 2. fruit is delicious!
• I learned I have a tremendous amount of will-power. Yes, I got cravings, but I denied those cravings and felt accomplished at the end of every day. That goes a long way towards building self-esteem and confidence.
• I have power over the way I feel physically and mentally. If I don’t feel good in my body, I find it very hard to think straight. Doesn’t everyone? I was already feeling a lot better on day two of the diet, which was motivation to want to continue and I was successful to the end. I’ll incorporate much of what I learned into future eating habits. Developing a nutrient-dense diet with the elimination (or moderation) of the foods that don’t bode well with me.
• I’ll ALWAYS read labels unless I am already familiar with a product. We all need to be aware of what’s in our food. That’s one way to take our health into our own hands. No one is going to do that for us. WE ARE WHAT WE EAT.
• No more inflammation. The discomfort in my gut went away, as well as the aches in my knees and elbows. I’d have to assume the mental clarity was due in part to absence of inflammation.
• I LOST 14 POUNDS! I honestly wasn’t doing it to lose weight. That wasn’t even my goal, but apparently my body knew better because that’s what happened! I say this because I know how important this is to some. My whole core feels deflated. My stomach flat. I realize I may gain some of that weight back (or maybe I won’t?). Either way, I don’t see that as a problem. Now I feel like I just need to work on muscle mass.

Things I missed most on Whole 30:

Sugar in my coffee, my medicated dark chocolate square at the end of the day, a tasty handcrafted ale on occasion, and jalapeno margaritas. I don’t usually eat much bread, but I did miss the occasional sandwich as well. These are all things I plan to add back in moderation.

My food and beverage staples:

• Lots of chicken! Roasted chicken, chicken soup, chicken coconut curry were staples (coconut milk had the creaminess I was craving).
• Salads with protein. Like salmon, steak, chicken, shrimp and/or egg.
• Spaghetti squash with meat sauce.
• Eggs for days. Hard-boiled, over-easy, scrambled, scrambled with vegetables, etc…
• Slopper without the buns, cheese or sour cream.
• Breakfast consisted of fruit and a handful of cashews most of the time, which filled the void and kept me satiated for quite a while.
• Dessert was always some type of fruit.
• I drank a ton of water. I have an annoying app that reminds me
• I also drank about 16 ounces of kombucha every day and I made up my own ginger, lemon and turmeric tea to have as a tonic upon waking.

Intermittent Fasting (IF)

I’ve been practicing intermittent fasting – 16:8 (fast for 16 hours with an 8 hour eating window) for several months now and while it does help my digestion to limit food intake before bed and then skip the usual first meal of the day, it didn’t do enough to get rid of the bubbleguts I was experiencing. Once I combined it with Whole 30, my issues completely subsided. I noticed if I ate a meal too close to bedtime, I woke up feeling crappy, so half the battle was timing. I was okay if I ate a small snack like a handful of blueberries or something, but not much more. Last meal about three hours before bedtime was ideal. I’ve learned that I’d rather go to bed a little hungry than wake up with bubbleguts. Fasting in this manner is not hard for me and I think I could go even longer to experience a higher level of autophagy.

Exercise

I don’t feel like I put in enough exercise over the last month, but I did hike 3-4 times per week at an average of about four miles each hike. I do it regularly anyway not only for the cardio, but also for the positive mental aspect. It always gets rid of any anxiety I might be feeling and helps me to get a good night’s sleep.

Speaking of Sleep

I don’t usually get enough of it. I am constantly sleep-deprived which makes me less capable of thinking optimally. So, I made it a point to work on getting to bed earlier and reducing bright light at night. I’ve also been learning about the importance of restorative sleep and I’ve placed it at the top of my list of priorities. My goal is to get much closer to the rising and setting of the sun and to optimize my circadian rhythm. People who know me are laughing right now – I can hear it! But there is such a huge difference in the way my mind and body feel after a good night’s sleep. It means everything to me. I won’t be able to get it down perfect because my living arrangement isn’t what it needs to be yet. I’m looking forward to the day I can fix that.

Mindset Reset by Mel Robbins

When I stumbled upon this free online course, it was while I was in the middle of Mel’s “Best Decade Ever” course, which is good, but I thought Mindset Reset covered more of what I needed. It is a very, very powerful 30-day training of the mind with downloadable tools and an awesome group of extremely supportive people (mostly women) who counsel, cheer, support, cry, befriend, and post their own vulnerabilities, all while in the safety of the group. I’ve honestly never seen a more supportive group of humans. I can’t begin to tell you how much I’ve gotten out of it. It was the perfect complement to all the other stuff I was doing in January.  

Meditation

I’m a huge fan of guided meditation because I like to be taken to another place. I meditate while lying in bed before I go to sleep and while sitting up in bed when I wake. It’s all about visualization. I visualize what I want for my future and I do mindful body scans on myself. I have a really hard time clearing my mind, so guided meditations are where it’s at for me right now. Once I get better at it, I hope to take it to the next level. For now, my favorite of all the meditations I do, is where I meet with my future self. It’s one of the most intense experiences I’ve ever had. So much so, I plan to get much deeper into it and I even have ideas for a book.

January Review

January 2020 kicked ass. I came out of it so much stronger and I really learned a lot about my body and mind. I’m feeling great! My thoughts are super energized and creative and the anxiety I was feeling in the previous months is almost non-existent. Now I just need to get more done. More exercise, more writing, more art, and a purpose-driven livelihood. I have not been good at managing time. I allow far too many distractions and I don’t have time for that. I need to be patient in the process and put 100% into all of my challenges. I’m really looking forward to what I have planned for next month.

February’s Themes

• 29 pieces of art in 29 days. I’m going to work my way through various art mediums, possibly even using some of my photos as inspiration. I have zero experience painting, but I’m excited to see how it goes! Simple sketches to get me flowing creatively, photography and writing blog posts count towards “pieces” as well. The idea is to get into the practice of creating on a daily basis. If I miss a day, I’m allowed to do two the next, but I don’t plan to take advantage of it and get too far behind. That would defeat the purpose.
• Weekday weight training. It can be body-weight or free weights. I need to start building muscle mass. I can see it wasting away with age and I’m going to put a stop to that shit right now! I’ll continue to hike as well to get my cardio in and keep my sanity.

Everything that worked for me in January’s themes will also come with me into February.

It’s the longing inside a human being for emotionally supportive companionship. A basic human need in everyone’s soul. I feel I’ve spent a large portion of my life with this longing unfulfilled, which is why I’ve been writing since I was a teenager. I’ve got tell someone this shit and the only thing I felt comfortable with was a blank sheet of paper. I’ve always done it with the thought maybe someday someone will read it. Now it’s a recently digitized record of life for future generations. I would’ve loved for previous generations of my family to be able to do that for me. But it all goes much deeper than that.

Here’s the problem: If I want to be seen, doesn’t it make sense that I need to take time to see? This is not merely putting my eyes on something external. It’s about tapping into a more spiritual realm and observing another human beyond all of our conditioned thought – both mine and his/hers/theirs – without judgement. It’s about being fully present throughout the meeting, because it’s the only way to genuinely observe with your spirit.

How can I observe others on a spiritual level if I’m so ridiculously consumed with my physical self? I can’t even remember a person’s name two seconds after I’m introduced. I know I’m not the only one who does that, but it’s just plain rude. Does this mean I’m self-centered? Uh yeah, it does. As much as I want to share my words, art, photography and spirit with the world, I first need to acknowledge the beauty of others as well, with no thought of envy or competition, only a deep appreciation for their passion.

Watch the passion of this conductor at one with the music. THIS is what “fully present” looks like. It actually brings tears to my eyes.

Passion is What Makes a Person Most Beautiful…

…and everyone wants to feel beautiful once in a while. This is why it’s so easy to be mesmerized by a musician. To watch a person fully immersed in their gift to the world, be it conducting, singing, playing or appreciating music, visual arts, dance, etc… is one of the sexiest and most intense experiences you can be a part of.

It’s in the act of creating, we are most present. So, doesn’t it make sense we could be beautiful like a musician, fully present with our own passions, instead of feeling ugly inside and out? I think once we’re in it we don’t ever think about that kind of petty bullshit anyway. I mean really in it. I’m not talking about someone who is at the point of doing something unconsciously-competent because they’ve done it so many times it’s become more of a chore. There are some artists who may have the ability to live in a piece of music over and over again. I know I can. But I’ve also heard musicians make comments like “If I have to play that song one more time…” and that’s why we must continue to create.

I now realize passion is one of the greatest things about being human and I don’t understand why I’ve kept myself from it for so long. Always waiting for the perfect conditions to arise in order to initiate a drawing or a blog post or anything else I’d like to put 100% into. It’s been such a waste of precious time!

So now what?

Take time to focus on others and make their potential my passion. It’s something I started to do a few years ago with my Living2Inspire blog, but I got sidetracked with life (and myself). In that blog I featured some very talented artist friends and their passions for painting, photography and music, because I genuinely enjoy spotlighting passionate humans. I believe any person who dedicates a tremendous amount of time to their craft deserves to be seen and I plan to do it for myself now as well. It’s clear to me this is the most important way to change my world for the better. My blog, amidlifemindset.com will be a documentation of the steps I take to bring passion back into my own life and spotlight the talents in others who’ll let me.

Thank you for taking the time to be here. Now I’d like an opportunity to see YOU, so please leave a comment.

One Love

It was the morning of July 20, 2015. My son Jason’s 22^nd birthday. I was living by myself in a cool little rental house and loving it. My cousin Julie and I partied the night before and I had left my car at the venue a few miles away. I received a call from my husband Joe the next morning (we were separated at the time), but I was feeling too crappy to talk to anyone right then, so I didn’t answer. Julie was asleep on my couch. Then a text came, and said something like “Dana, call me right now. Jason is in the hospital!” As I read it, my heart sank into my stomach and I quickly called him back. He told me Jason had suffered a stroke.

I don’t remember the order of things, but I was told he was being air-lifted to University of Colorado Hospital and we were all going to meet there. It was going to take me possibly two hours to get there and I still had to go get my car. I explained everything to my cousin the best I could while in shock and completely ashamed I was so hungover, which made it even more surreal.

She got me to my car and I proceeded to make my way to the Denver area from Canon City. Amazingly, we all made it to the hospital at the same time (Joe and the boys from Fort Collins, me from Canon City) and were able to park in the same area and walk in together. It was Joe, Joey, Joshua and me. We were all scared to death at what we were walking into. We had absolutely no idea what condition he’d be in when we saw him. Joshua was crying at the thought of it and the rest of us were just in shock. That’s all I can remember about the period before we saw him.

The helicopter had landed on top of the roof and they took him straight into surgery – THANK GOD (and thank the medical team!). By the time we all got there they had removed the clot and he was in recovery. I think we were able to go straight in to see him by the time we got there. Once we were in the room, we gathered around him waiting with baited breath to see if he could communicate with us. He was looking at us all ok but was clearly frustrated when trying to get his words out. Finally, in a loud whisper, he said “FUCK!” It was the sweetest sound any of us had ever heard. Joey doubled over and started crying and we all hugged and kissed on him with nervous joy.

The First Crucial Minutes

He stayed in the hospital a mere five days, and during that time they ran a multitude of tests as you can imagine. Nothing like this had ever happened before. Jason was a D1 college basketball player home for the summer and living at his brother Joey’s house. He said he woke up in the morning and felt strange but had to go pee. Not understanding what was going on, he tried to make his way to the bathroom. On his way he fell into a wall and made a loud noise, so Joey got up to see what it was (another THANK GOD). Joey found his brother at the bottom of the stairs in the basement. He had pee’d himself and couldn’t communicate, so Joey quickly realized there was something seriously the matter and called the paramedics. They arrived within just a few minutes and whisked him off to Poudre Valley Hospital in Fort Collins, where they made the decision their capabilities were too limited to treat him in the best possible way. That’s when they airlifted him to University of Colorado Hospital.

I can’t imagine the trauma Joey must have experienced seeing his brother like that. A memory that will be with him forever.

Hospital Time

Here is a post his dad made on Facebook to let everyone know what happened:

“ATTENTION EVERYONE! PRAYERS NEEDED 
this morning Joey Swahv McClellan
Found his brother Jason McClellan
At the foot of the stairs in their home. 
He couldn’t move the right side of his body and he couldn’t speak. 
It turns out that Jason had a small [not small, it was massive] stroke. 
He was flown via helicopter to University Hospital in Denver from Fort Collins. 
They removed a small blood clot from his brain. We are waiting for them to complete the 2nd MRI to make sure that the procedure removed all the clot.
Our family is all here with him and we will see him as soon as possible. 
I will keep you posted 
Please pray for my son 
He’s the strongest man I know so I know he WILL fully recover. Also today is Jason’s 22nd birthday 
Please share this so all his peeps can send prayers and healing energy his way.
You can’t keep the beast down
Update :
He’s in his room and we’re getting to see him.”

Video of Time Spent In the Hospital

Did That Really Happen?

Our family stayed and slept in his room the whole time he was hospitalized. There were many visitors consisting of family and friends. Here’s a post I made on Facebook when I reflected on it a month later:

“Sorry to bring this up again, but I was just going through the photos, comments and videos of the week of Jason’s stroke and I am overwhelmed with emotion right now. Did that really happen?

It was so surreal while it was going on. We were all so scared and I don’t think it really sank in at the time. I guess because we were all in survival mode? I don’t want to think of how bad it could’ve been because as bad as it was there was another aspect to it. It seemed like his survival was set up for success every step of the way: Joey was there to find him, the paramedics came and got him to the hospital in Fort Collins in time to have him taken by helicopter to the best possible neurosurgeon available at University Hospital in Denver, where they were able to immediately pull the clot and restore his brain function. 

To be with him now, you would never know it took place. Therapists have sent him on his way and he is back at UIC for the fall semester.

Thank you God! And thank you friends and family for loving and comforting us during that time with visits, comments, texts, phone calls and financial donations. It really helped us to get through it. This goes for you too Kay Marie <3<3<3

We love you Jason McClellan! And we are so glad you are still with us! All I can do is wonder why it happened to you of all people? Maybe because you were the one who could handle it? If nothing else, it brought our family closer together and made us realize what’s really important in this life. We are blessed to be able to take that from it.

#LOVE #LifeIsPrecious” 

The response was loving and supportive. So many awesome people caring about our family.

Back to School

The specialists worked hard to figure out how and why it happened, but never gave us an answer. They worked with him on coordination, motor skills and speech and he was doing very well within a matter of days. An absolute miracle as far as I was concerned. If you didn’t know him, you wouldn’t know anything had happened, but there were still issues. The next decision was, does he go back to school in the Fall? He decided yes. Jason was blessed to have played one good season with the team, but was no longer able to participate. He was however, able to keep his academic scholarship, which we were very grateful for! Getting back into the flow of college classes wasn’t easy for him though. He now had a bit of a learning disability. It wasn’t that he lacked intelligence, it was more that he struggled taking notes in class and transferring information from his brain into text. His condition is called “aphasia, which is a “loss of ability to understand or express speech, caused by brain damage.” Regardless of his issues, everything seemed to be going fine until one fall day…

A Second Massive Stroke

It happened October 9^th, 2015. This time on both sides of his brain. Luckily his roommates were home when he was found crawling out of his room. They knew something was very wrong and they called the paramedics immediately. THANK GOD (and his roommates of course!). Paramedics came and scooped him up within a short period of time and got him to the hospital within a matter of a few minutes. EVERY MINUTE COUNTS. Jason lives in downtown Chicago in little Italy and the hospital he was taken to was only a couple miles away. The neurosurgeon was able to pull both clots out quickly once again. One of his roommates called Joe while it was all taking place, which started another panic in our family while we figured out our next moves from a thousand miles away. By the time I arrived in Chicago, he was still in the hospital but seemed just fine – almost. He was able to recover more quickly than the previous time. Maybe it was because the clots were removed within a shorter time frame? He was able to leave the hospital the evening I got there.

After a battery of more tests, the doctors still had no idea what was causing it. They put him on blood thinners and a statin drug to decrease his risk of another stroke. They also inserted a heart monitor which would record everything over a period of two years. I just kept asking myself “how could this be happening to such a strong young body? Why him?” While I was there in Chicago, I stayed on the couch in his bedroom and the night before I was to leave, Jason said something to me that completely shook me to my core. Just as we were shutting our eyes to go to sleep, Jason said “Mom, what if it happens again when you’re gone?” The shakiness of his voice was absolute fear. It was a comfort for him to have his momma there on the couch right next to his bed after such a scary event and OH MY GOD, I had never heard him like that. It crushed me. Of course, he’s going to be fearful and who else is this strong beautiful human going to be so vulnerable with but his mom? I took his hand and let him know I was right there and all he had to do was reach for me and I’d take immediate action. I also cancelled my flight and stayed a few more days until he felt more comfortable. Our time was spent eating, relaxing and riding bikes around the harbor – almost like it never happened!

A Partial Diagnoses

It took a while, but we later found out from part of the team of specialists, that Jason has a genetic disorder in the MTHFR (methylenetetrahydrofolate reductase) gene (i.e. the motherfucker gene, so I can remember it). According to https://ghr.nlm.nih.gov/gene/MTHFR, “Polymorphisms in the MTHFR gene have also been studied as possible risk factors for a variety of common conditions. These include heart disease, stroke, high blood pressure (hypertension), high blood pressure during pregnancy (preeclampsia), an eye disorder called glaucoma, psychiatric disorders, and certain types of cancer. Research indicates that individuals who have the 677C>T polymorphism on both copies of the MTHFR gene have an increased risk of developing vascular disease, including heart disease and stroke.” From what I’ve gathered by doing my own research, this probably isn’t the only culprit, only a contributing factor. Jason is now taking a folate supplement along with blood thinners, and has his INR (International Normalized Ratio) checked regularly.

Two Strokes and a Bachelor’s Degree in Communications

It was hard for me to imagine Jason going back to school after all this adversity, but it wasn’t my decision to make. There wasn’t a question in his mind. He was going to finish school and finish he did! He graduated with his Bachelor’s in Communications and our family was there to cheer him on!

Through all of this, Jason has taken on a new motto, “No bad days!” When I associate it to all he’s been through, it helps me get through my own mental bullshit and realize my problems are miniscule compared to what they could be. Jason is my hero!

His attitude a day after his second stroke in a Facebook post:
“I’ll tell you one thing… It’s gonna take a lot more than a couple severe strokes to take me down.”

Since then he became somewhat of a poster boy for youth stroke. His neurosurgeon featured him in a series of promotional videos aired on local television in Chicago, and also during the World Series when the Cubs played and won! We had people tell us they saw the video before we knew it had aired!

The thought of completely or even partially losing Jason was the scariest thing our family has been through. We don’t understand why it happened to Jason of all people, but we knew we had to find the good in it. For one, it brought our family closer. We’ve always been close, but It helped us to realize what’s most important in life and that we can always count on each other – as cliché as that may sound. It was the beginning of a better relationship between Joe and I as well. I believe Jason became a stronger person with a greater appreciation for life. Not that he didn’t appreciate it before, he’s always been a go-getter, it’s just that he now realizes how fragile life can be and that any day you are able to wake up to live another day, is a good one. “NO BAD DAYS!”

RECOGNIZE THE SIGNS OF A STROKE AND ACT F.A.S.T.

It’s a longing for more of a feeling than a place. When I was younger, “home” was the place I felt secure. A sanctuary where I was surrounded by all my own things comforting to me. I may have been a child of divorce and had a very hard time getting along with my custodial parent (my mom), but I had a good upbringing nontheless. Even after leaving the nest, I was able to feel a sense of sanctuary living with roommates while partying my brains out, and then later while Joe and I were raising a family. The Home we raised our children in for most of their childhood, is the place I last felt “home.”

Our sons were – Joey 8, Jason 5 and Joshua 2 when we entered into homeownership. Our home had all the typical sights and sounds of a young family with little boys. Video games, bouncing balls (Jason, that means you), yelling, squealing, crying, laughing, fighting, bugs in pockets (Joshua ), dogs, reptiles, dirt, etc.… And while I may have been temporarily annoyed by some of it, it was sanctuary for all of us. Our home was the hub of regular meals, parties, events and good vibes for not just our family, but many other people. Joe and I loved to entertain and there were always people around to enjoy it.

The Beginning of the End of “Home.”

A few years later, we somehow managed to open the doors of McClellan’s Grill & Brewing Company, which was quite an accomplishment, but it was the beginning of the end of “home” for me. I don’t know if the rest of the family feels as I do, but this is my perspective. At first, it was as if we were carrying our love of entertaining to a larger venue. The dining area was to feel more like an extension of our living room. Neither Joe nor I had any experience managing such an undertaking, but we were nervously excited anyway.

After about a year, the excitement yielded to stress and worry as we realized there would be no way to sustain it with such a large debt service. My mom and her husband at the time had invested a couple hundred grand into the endeavor and we were responsible for making that payment along with another payment to a friend who had invested almost as much. There were others, but I don’t have the time to get into all that. As bills were pouring in, we got to a point where we were having to decide whether we should pay our utilities or our employees. Yes, it was that bad. It’s not like we didn’t have business. Our customers liked our beer and loved our food. It was just that we overbuilt the project and were not able to sustain it. There were many other mistakes as well, but we were newbies. Had we the time to tweak it more and get our shit together, things may have worked out, but time was not on our side. The bank came and shut us down on October 25^th, 2010 and we lost everything. The worst part of it all, our family and friends lost their investments too.

During the nearly 3-1/2 years we were in operation, our family life began to disintegrate. Joey and Jason were teenagers both working at the pub, while Joshua pre-teen ran around town without much supervision. We were consumed with the business and even when I was home, I was so mentally checked out I couldn’t function at the level I should have to be raising a family. As the youngest, Joshua got jipped. He didn’t get the attention he needed and began to get into trouble. When our business went under that was one of a host of reasons I finally felt relief. I could turn attention to family again. Although I wasn’t quite ready to admit that to everyone. No one could possibly understand the anguish and stress that business caused in our lives. I can’t even put it into words.

Life Happens

A week later, we lost our home.

We had lived there about twelve years and accumulated all the stuff you could imagine raising a family of five in a four-bedroom house on an acre of land. It was a ton of work going through everything and deciding what to keep and what to get rid of. This era should’ve marked a positive new phase in our lives had we the mental capacity at the time to do it right, but Joe and I were deeply resentful towards each other and it just got worse. I managed to find a beautiful rental home to move into and we stayed there about a year. It was a nice change, but the recent loss and stress we experienced made it hard to fully enjoy. On top of that, Joe decided to go to Cabo San Lucas to train selling timeshare, while I stayed and tried to deal with my thoughts, my family and the rest of the people in town – on my own, which didn’t help our relationship much from my perspective.

Joe didn’t end up having much success in that capacity, so he came back after a couple of months and we moved to Fort Collins. We felt we needed to get the hell out of that town (that’s how I felt at the time) and begin again on a clean slate. However, it didn’t turn out the way we had hoped. The new rental felt cold. Joey had previously moved out on his own and Joe and I just became more intolerant of each other. He ended up leaving me in the summer of 2012. It was probably better one of us left, because the road we were headed down looked very bleak. That doesn’t mean it wasn’t heartbreaking. Watching him pull out of the driveway for what I thought was the last time, was more than I could take on top of everything else.

Looking back on it all, it’s been my perception that after family falls apart, there is no such thing as “home.” Not for a while. I lost home in 2010, and because the last couple of years in that house were spent in LaLa Land, I figure it’s been well over ten years since I’ve experienced any type of sanctuary. I take that back. I was able to live in a house on my own for a few months in 2015 and I loved it! But I always had the nagging thought in the back of my mind it wouldn’t be for long because the owner was selling it and that’s not home. Since then, I’ve been living out of bags, always in someone else’s house and with someone else’s things (I did get to work with a catering company on the Garth Brooks tour for some of that time though!). All of my belongings – furniture, décor, trinkets, housewares, and most of my clothing – sat in storage for years until I finally moved it into my mom’s garage while I was caregiving.

Presently, I’m living in Joe’s house. Decorated by Joe and with things I can’t really claim as mine, as most of my belongings are now three hours away. Our relationship isn’t perfect, but it’s much better. I don’t really know what to make of it, though we do love each other. Since I’ve begun putting many hours into a project of his, I feel my contribution to the household is covered, but I need more for myself. A bed would be nice. I’ve been sleeping on the couch most of the time because I sleep better there (especially now that I’d have to battle a 100-pound Great Dane for space on the bed!). It’s not that I don’t appreciate what Joe is doing for me. I’m grateful to have basic needs met, like a roof over my head, a place to sleep and food in my belly. But like I said, I need more and it’s not something he or anyone else can do for me. Those are the physical things. More importantly, there is a mental part of it.

The mental part has to do with sanctuary. To me, sanctuary is a feeling, the true essence of home. A place where there are positive vibes and plenty of love, laughter, family and joy around me. It’s also a feeling of security and an encouraging vision of life for the future. I just haven’t been feeling very much of that. And then there is the loneliness. I’m alone about 90% of the time. I work alone, hike alone (most times), draw alone, eat most of my meals alone, and now with a recently reignited passion for writing, I’ll be doing that alone too. Yes, I’m introspective and thrive in my alone time, but it’s also nice to be part of a tribe. I can’t wait around for them to magically come to me. I have to put in the effort to build and/or become of part of something bigger than me – however frustrating it may be to find, stick with and implement. I have many ideas and projects that could really make my life a whole lot better, but never any money to implement them. As we segway into the next paragraph…

My relationship with money is part of what keeps me from feeling sanctuary. If I had more, I’d have the ability to create a better environment for myself and not be at the mercy of others. Jobs are always just temporary to me. When you work in food & beverage, that’s all it ever is. Now I’m a woman over 50 and it’s not easy to find work in that industry. I am invisible to them. It doesn’t help that I’m living in a town full of beautiful young college students who don’t require much to live on while mom and dad pay living expenses. That’s my competition and it’s ok. I’m sick of that industry anyway.

How can I remedy this dilemma?

Home Exists

It’s part of what this whole blog is about. Home exists, I know it and I’ll have it again. It’s my #1 driving force. A comforting environment where I have all of my things around me, sleep in a bed, do my art, plant a big beautiful garden, love on my family and have “a lot of wonderful chums, good music, and booze around. And a damn good kitchen to cook in.” ~ Ava Gardner.

Well sweetie, it’s not what we thought it was going to be – is it? I could write a negative version here, but I’m using this as kind of a therapy for myself, so I’ll need to keep it balanced. In other words, find the good in the bad and convince myself it’s true. Don’t get me wrong my troubled teen self, there have been some very beautiful moments, but man, it’s been rough.

You have always been a deep thinker, so extremely far into your own head. Even now it can sometimes get to the point where you are so overwhelmed with fear, worry or shame, you become immobilized. As a teenager you were sad much of the time. In fact, you’ve spent far more time in sadness than joy over your lifetime. That’s a lot of years Dana.

But somehow you’ve always managed to pull yourself out of it.

Let’s try to figure out where it began shall we?

When Shit Got Weird

I can remember when mom and dad separated, and everything got weird. It was the beginning of not feeling right in your skin. Dad started seeing a woman he quickly married after the divorce (actually, he was cheating on mom with her), who happened to have five kids and then later created a beautiful baby girl named Jamie. THEY were his NEW family and when you and Danny went over to visit, you’d feel like a complete outsider. You went from being “Daddy’s Girl” to standing on the sidelines, and what did you do as a child to deserve that? You were very much into softball in those days, which you’d think dad, having been very much into playing baseball (enough to be on the Dodgers farm team way back when), should’ve related to, but didn’t. You even made Allstars a few of those years while your stepdad coached the team. Your stepdad was an awesome human being. You loved him very much and so did everyone else. I think it takes a special person to love and parent children who aren’t their own. Dad, living only about ten minutes away, was busy being a great dad to his new family, but couldn’t even bring himself to come to a single one of your games. Why?!?!

I could talk a lot about dad. But it’ll always come down to the fact that he rarely made an effort to see you and Danny. How can a man justify not taking time to see his own children while living so close for so many years? You never understood that, and I still don’t. I think it was part of what fucked us up from the beginning. Yes, Daddy issues. The struggle is real I guess because I’m still thinking about it!

Then there’s mom. Boy, we had some serious battles. It was bad. We went to counseling to try and make it better, but it didn’t help much. You’ve always thought you were too smart for counseling. Knowing exactly what to say in a session, which back then was anything to make mom look bad. Now when I look back at it with more enlightened eyes, I think maybe it’s because you’ve always thought something about YOU was bad. Not in an appearance sort of way. You were not an ugly child. Taller than most of the kids your age yes, maybe even a little awkward, but ugly – no.

Self Image

It was a little later when you started to be consumed with appearance, which has been one of the most negative factors in life. Geez, all that time putting on makeup, doing hair and dressing a certain way in hopes of getting the “good” attention. I realize now what a ridiculous waste of precious time all that is. Yes, it’s fun to play dress up on occasion, but I shouldn’t have let it consume so much of our life.

I believe the child in me perceives the neglect from my dad (what was it about me that he didn’t want to be around?), and the actions of mom (all about appearance), as having something to do with my twisted perception of myself. I remember mom asking once if you were “going to go out of the house like that?” Which might be pretty typical, but this was a day you thought you’d take a chance without makeup. Or how about the time she made fun of that mole you had on your nose? There are other examples I don’t recall, told to me by family members, but you get the gist. I think she probably got that from grandma the beauty queen – always so polished and proper. That’s how women rolled back in those days. Doing housework in pumps and a pencil skirt.

There were other things about mom you felt oppressed you. Danny was always the “golden child” and you were the demon. You had always felt she looked at you in a different way and couldn’t quite put your finger on it. It wasn’t until later I found out from other adult family members she had some jealousy issues towards you, then it all made sense. None of that was your fault, it was entirely HER problem and she carries some of that animosity to this day. Still making rude remarks about my appearance.

Do you remember what you wanted to be when you “grew up”? A songwriter/guitar player. Mom got you that nylon string guitar and you went to private lessons for a while. Later you scored on the steel string Yamaha and took it to lessons at Glendora High school with instructor/janitor Kelly Sovine and a classroom full of friends. All the coolest people were in that class. That was some fun shit. Everyone learning and playing the same song together.

Beautiful moments like those happened and lots of other cherished memories with friends and family over our lifetime as well. You didn’t have a horrible life. It’s just that the negative stuff was ingrained at the root of your consciousness poisoning your thought process all your life. You still haven’t shaken it. Anger issues as well. I remember you punching walls and breaking things on occasion during extreme upsets as a teenager. As hesitant as I am to say that now.

Anger and Pain

Such a depressed young writer you were. Poems, lyrics, journaling – you’ve been writing all your life. I don’t think you ever felt you could get the pain out to another human. Or rather, you didn’t want anyone else to know what the fuck was going on in your head. There were so many angry letters to people. Mainly because you felt you wouldn’t be good at speaking any of it. When angry you tend to get flustered with words that are spoken directly to another person. Even if they deserve it. Another sign of caring too much about how you appear to others.

I hate to say it, but you’ve been a very self-centered person Dana. You’ve always gone so far into yourself that you rarely come up for air. I’ll never forget Nonnie telling you, “get out of that head of yours and focus on things outside of yourself.” During that time, you were going through postpartum depression after a serious case of mastitis which developed while breastfeeding Jason. Talk about a dark period of our life. You felt horribly guilty about the fact you were losing it with all that pain. You also developed TMJ (Temporomandibular joint syndrome) during that time from grinding your teeth in agony. It turned you into a hypochondriac for a while because you also had pain radiating through your head from your jaw joints and you didn’t know what the hell was going on.

I remember thinking it was supposed to be such a blessed experience to breastfeed your beautiful son. But he just kept falling asleep while feeding, which also meant he was waking up trying to eat every hour at minimum. You were beyond sleep-deprived and you had another little boy (Joey) who was in need of your attention. Oh my God, you were a bitch.

Nonnie

To write about everything that has taken place since your teenage years would take more time than I want to put into this right now, so I’m mainly focusing on standout experiences. There has been much loss. When dad died I think a part of us went with him, because we never got a chance to make up for lost time. He died not too long after the whole post-partum crap and then Nonnie. I’ll write about Nonnie first.

Oh, how we love/d her! I miss her more than words can express. She was your sanctuary. Your escape if only for a few hours. She would always let you go there to clear your head while she told you stories of her life as a child. She and her sister born to Irish parents (Connolly), sexually abused by their father and sent to live in an orphanage. Her stories would make you feel like “what the hell am I crying about?” She always had a way of putting things into perspective. I can’t say we really knew Papa (Nonnie & Papa) all that well because he was always sitting at the end of that retro 50’s dining table with a cigarette and a bourbon, in what looked to be deep thought. The only other things I remember of him was that he would get really mad if we stood at the refrigerator for too long without making a selection, and when we were small children he’d make us coffee and cream with plenty of sugar. No wonder he drank – haha! I can’t remember what year Papa died of cancer, but I remember Nonnie telling stories of him just before he died, he was seeing and talking to family members who had already passed “seeing beyond the veil.”

Nonnie started to lose it when we were all up dealing with dad in the hospital (I’ll get to that). She had a heart attack while we were up there. I guess she just couldn’t handle the thought her son might go before her. She was in one hospital, while dad was in another. We all did our best to keep it from him, but I think he may have figured something was amiss when his own mother wasn’t coming to see him. I’m not really sure if he ever found out. That wasn’t what took her away from us though. It was that nasty ass Alzheimer’s disease and pneumonia years later. You didn’t get to see her because you couldn’t leave Colorado at the time, but you talked to her on the phone and was told she heard you and reacted.

Fuck Cancer

I remember you and Danny sitting in dad’s room together doing your best to get as much quality time with him as possible. He had developed throat cancer which moved into his lungs and you didn’t know anything about it until he was hospitalized. He called (a rare occurrence) about a month before, somewhat out of the blue to shoot the shit and slipped in the fact that a doctor found a spot in his lung that needed to be checked out. He didn’t act too worried about it, but before he hung up you made sure to tell him to call back with an update. He never did. Instead you got a call from Uncle Mike (Dad’s brother) telling you to get to Orangevale, California ASAP because dad had fallen, hit his head, and was in very bad shape. It was you, Danny, Aunt Kathleen, Nonnie and Uncle Mike who went up there. Part of the time was spent in a hotel and part was spent at their home (he and his wife Gloria’s home).

When you first arrived at the hospital you had already been briefed on his condition. They put him out with some kind of paralyzing drug because he had an artery that was eaten away by cancer and could rupture at any time. He hadn’t been awake yet, so the first place you went was the hospital chapel. you got down on your knees and prayed to God with all your heart and said, “if you’ll wake up my dad and let me have time with him, I’ll spend the rest of my life getting to know this Jesus character everybody keeps talking about.” Then you stood up and found your way to his room. When you walked in, Nonnie was on one side of him and Aunt Kathleen on the other. I think you said something like “Dad? I’m here and I love you.” Just when you said that, he opened his eyes and a tear rolled out and down his pale cheek. All you could think was “Oh my God, this praying stuff really works!” Nonnie and Aunt Kathleen were blown away too.

You and Danny spent hours in his room asking him questions and passing the notepad to him so he could write the answers (I still have some of those pages). He had a ventilator down his throat and couldn’t talk. At one point when it was quiet and you and Danny were looking at him, he took his hands and pointed at you both, then pulled them into his chest near his heart and did a hugging motion. It was THE MOST heartfelt thing you had seen him do in your entire life. You and Danny looked at each other knowing it was meant just for you. It was the last thing you got from him and neither of you will ever forget it.

Another precious moment.

Sitting around the hospital bed went on for a few days. It’s weird because I don’t remember anyone but you and Danny being there the whole time. I realize others had to have been there on occasion too. I just don’t remember it. Finally, he was doing well, so they were going to move him out of ICU and into his own room the next day. Everyone felt relieved and went back to the house to eat one of his favorite dinners. He called while you were all eating and said he was doing fine and we didn’t need to go there that night because he was tired. He knew you were all hanging out together enjoying dinner. It wasn’t long after you hung up, you got another call from a nurse telling you to get there immediately because dad had taken a turn for the worse. You jumped into the rental car and got there before anyone else. It was you, Danny and Aunt Kathleen from what I remember. Once inside, they sent you all to the waiting room where you waited only a few minutes. Then, in a very surreal moment, time felt like it stopped. You could see a team of doctors walking down an empty bright white hallway towards you and could tell by their faces, dad was gone. They told you an artery in his lung had ruptured and they couldn’t save him. He drowned in his own blood. Which was absolutely horrifying to you – and still is.

I’ll never forget one of them telling you he knew exactly what was going on. You thought about that for a long time afterward. What was going through his mind? The fear he must have been in. It was the stuff of nightmares for a while afterward.

They led us up to the room where his body lie and left us alone. The first thing we did was start talking to him through our tears. We could feel him in the room. I remember Aunt Kathleen telling us he was still warm, so I put my hand on his chest – and he was. I can’t even explain how strange it was to touch him and feel the warmth of his previously occupied shell and realize he wasn’t there anymore. The time-frame is in bits and pieces, but another thing I remember was Gloria (his wife) coming into a room and hearing dad was gone and then Danny catching her before she hit the floor.

Later, our family went back into the room together and while everyone was standing around him, you noticed the inside of his mouth was filling up with blood while he lay there on his back. Horrified at the thought it would soon be pouring out the side of his face, I remember you trying to distract everyone while ushering them out. Gruesome I know, but that’s what happened and it’s still a very vivid memory. FUCK CIGARETTES.

The end of that night was spent sitting out on a curb in front of the hospital with Danny, while you cried and recapped your experiences and how you felt about them. You’d never get another hug from your father. You’d never get a chance to spend time with him as adults with families and he would never get to know how awesome his grandsons are. He would be so proud of his strong Irish grandsons

Life and Loss in Colorado

I’m remembering things as I go along, and there are a few things out of sequence. I married in 1991 and had three beautiful boys. We left California and moved to Colorado in 1996. Joey was five, Jason was three and I was seven months pregnant with Joshua. Joe, (my husband) was a drywall contractor, while I stayed home with the boys. A few years later, Joe’s cousin Tom – a well-respected brewer in the craft beer industry, put an idea into our heads to start a brewery in the town we were living in (Canon City, Colorado). It took us ten years and a lot of blood, sweat and tears, but we finally opened the doors. It was fun and exciting at first, with a few surprise changes in management right at the beginning, but after a year or so we knew in our hearts we couldn’t sustain it. We went too far into debt and obviously weren’t experienced enough to know how to manage a restaurant in the best manner. It was definitely a learning experience on what happens when you force things into existence. My biggest takeaway.

The story of McClellan’s Grill & Brewing Company is a long and tragic one. We lost it after about three and a half years of operation. I’ve written about it in another place, but all I want to say about it here is that it was the beginning of the end of my marriage, my sanity, my strength, my confidence, my direction in life, my homelife, my relationship with my mom, relationships with other family members, and on and on and on for about a ten year span of my life. I’m still in the healing process and probably will be for a while. I lost a piece of me I have yet to get back.

Our family moved to Fort Collins to get away from that mess and about a year later Joe left me and moved back to California. Joey (our first-born son) had previously moved out on his own and was living nearby in Fort Collins, while Jason was going to college on a full ride scholarship – first in Wyoming and then in Chicago. It was Josh and I living together while we both went to school. Behind in rent and living on student loans, we were somehow able to stay in that house for months (while suffering some very high anxiety about getting kicked out). Until another student loan kicked in and I was able to move us and our two large dogs out of there.

I Can Draw!

Life was very lonely for me. I didn’t know anyone in Fort Collins and I was seriously fucked up in the head. The only thing that helped me feel better about myself was being back in school. I loved learning. I decided to take a drawing class as an elective, while majoring in English and it turned out I could draw! I mean, I could really draw, with not a lot of previous experience! It was one of the things I always knew I could do, but never did.

I took three drawing classes at the local community colleges, and during that time I was able to win “Best of Show,” 1^st Place, 3^rd Place, and an “Honorable Mention” in a couple of art shows. I was even considering changing my major to art. But have I done anything with that gift lately? NO, but It’s there waiting for me to give it attention. I’m ready to have that kind of focus again.

Scary Stuff

Joe and I weren’t really talking much at the beginning of our separation, but I knew he was seeing other women. After about a year and a half, I met someone. It was at a time when Joe and I were talking about him coming back. Long story short, Joe hated me for that for a while. My relationship with the guy didn’t last very long, but during that time I moved back down to Canon City where we had the brewery and where I still have lots of family and friends. Joe took over the place I was renting with Joshua and the dogs. I just needed to get away. Since then, time and more tragedy occurred in our family. Our middle son Jason suffered two massive strokes in 2015 while enrolled in a university on a D1 basketball scholarship (another story), family pets died, our youngest son went to prison on a bogus charge, and my mom was abused by her husband so we had to move her here to Colorado to be near us. I went to take care of her after she broke a hip and stayed there close to a year, but couldn’t handle staying in the house with her – heavy smoker that she is. [FUCK CIGARETTES]. I created an escape pod in her garage (my “she shed”), so I could tolerate being there while working on my computer, but ended up very depressed thinking to myself “I’m living in my mom’s garage.”

Mom was falling on occasion and it took awhile to narrow down the problem. Turns out if you don’t drink too much alcohol in a day when you’re elderly and on medication with bad feet, you stand a much better chance of NOT falling. She rations herself now and no longer needs an in-home caregiver, which was a relief to me and was my pass to leave. Most of the time I was in Canon City, I was traveling back and forth staying with Joe in Fort Collins because we were friends again. I’d stay there for weeks at a time, helping him with a project (a marijuana grow). I now live in Fort Collins full time. I wouldn’t say it’s perfect, but Joe and I are getting along well.

Which leads me to where I am now in February, 2019.

Community

Currently, I’m doing the best I can, but it hasn’t been easy to see the world with fresh eyes. So much of what I was turning my attention to is ugly as hell. I don’t want to put energy into that stuff anymore. I’m 56 years young and in good health, but I’m getting a late do over. Jobs are just jobs. I need to create my art and live my purpose. Most of all, I want to help women like me feel happy and worthy again. I know there are lots of women out there who could use the support I crave for myself and I’d like to help as many as I can. My dilemma is, how can I possibly be a credible helper if I can’t do it for myself? I’ve got to get through this and I’m tired of wasting time.

Our home was always a hub of community and I miss it. I’m very much in need of a whole new tribe and it’s become a priority for me. I’m hoping I can manifest it over the next year and carry it with me for the rest of my life. Humans aren’t meant to be as isolated as I’ve been. If you look at Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, you’ll find community is a basic human need.

There was a time isolation was good for me. I was forced to figure out a way to bring peace into my life in a world full of anxiety. I was listening to a lot of Eckhart Tolle and Joe Dispenza, which taught me about neuroplasticity and rewiring the brain away from negative emotion. It brought me a lot of hope. I healed quite a bit from where I was at the time but still needed more friends. So, what did I do? I started a Beer Lovers group on Meetup.com a few years ago Back then, what I really wanted was some light-hearted fun. The “Napa of Beer” that is Fort Collins, Colorado didn’t have a beer lovers’ group so I thought it would be perfect. Now there are 700+ members.

As for gathering a supportive tribe of amid-lifer women friends, I’m sure there will be people out there who’ll think it’s weird or lame, but I’m tired of giving a shit about what other people think. I just know what I need for myself and this is the only way I can think of to begin. If no one takes interest in it, it will be a record of our family for future generations.

Amid Life Mindset

I’m launching a blog very soon amidlifemindset.com in hopes of attracting a tribe of badass women in the midst of life, who crave genuine identity and aren’t all fancy. It’s been a long time coming and I really had a hard time narrowing the direction of it. We all need supportive people in our lives who see us from an outside (of the family) perspective.

While I was putting it all together, I had to recognize my strengths and how I could use them to add value to others. What can I do to attract this tribe of women, so they’ll understand my intention? All I can do is put 100% into the things I’m passionate about in hopes it will be relatable to some in this demographic. This is where I’ll produce much of my content and not only that, it’ll motivate me to start living and experiencing my passions again. This is very exciting to me! This time in my life is precious and I’ve been wasting so much of it, like I’m going to be here forever or something.

Back to you sweet girl. I’d just like to say to you now that I’m tired of the way we’ve been. I want to spend the time I have left on this earth with the ability to pay it forward and appreciate the beauty of life. I want you to know that it may not have turned out like we planned, but the trials are what make the good parts so precious. Life is beautiful. I will come out the other end with a more lasting joy in my heart instead of just glimpses of it. To do this, I’ll have to become a more present observer of all those crazy ass thoughts going through my head and entertain the positives over the negatives. If other women are willing to join me, all the better.

And it’s time for more art!

With all my love,
Future you <3

P.S. Is it ok if I write to you again?

***Update: I recently met Future Me and I’m writing a book. This blog post may or may not be a chapter in this book, I’m still hashing it out. But yeah, I realize it sounds a tad schizophrenic and I don’t care. Future Me is the observer. She is spirit, tapped into source and she loves me. Which means… I love myself! A breakthrough for me.

The first few blog posts are personal family history, because it’s foundational to the rest of the journey I’ll be discussing and I’m not going to sugarcoat my words. I’m going to say what I want.

Topics I’ll be covering:

• Art
• Body
• Family
• Featured
• Image
• Mind
• Privacy Policy
• Purpose
• Sanctuary
• Social
• Spirit
• Terms and Conditions
• Tribe

Via audio, video, photography and text.

As I said, much of the content will be personal in nature and I’m not doing it to gain sympathy. I don’t need any more of that from anyone. I’m going to get real here and I’m doing it because I know I’m not the only one struggling with what may appear to be pathetic or ridiculous mental shit and I know as well as anyone, it can be a lonely and embarrassing place. We weren’t put on this earth to live in shame all our lives and I’m OVER IT. My desire to live a better life may be in constant battle with a lifetime addiction to negative thought patterns, but they’re patterns I’m determined to break and not whine about.

My intention is to build a community of men and women in the middle stages of life, who long for the support of others and are not trying to be all fancy about it. I know in my heart there are others like me who feel they could thrive in this type of environment. A place where you can come as you are and feel empowered to create and become healthier in body and mind. This is not just about me. I have a vision to share the stories of others as well.

I’m not politically correct, I cuss a lot and I speak my mind, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have a sense of humor. I may even be a little twisted sometimes. I do however, want people to know up front, I won’t ever write about anything that doesn’t have a positive aspect to it or a challenge to change negative behaviors. I’m going to do my best to get the heavy personal stuff out of the way in the first few posts, then move onto the healing and creative stuff.

In my head, I’m writing to men and women who are more than just “midlife.” The term “amid life” feels more immersive to me and I like the play on words. They both sound the same when you say it. I’m visualizing Fellow humans who genuinely love life and understand deep down there is more to it. An empathetic and supportive tribe of like-minded people who genuinely want the best for each other and realize community is the key to success and happiness. These are the people I want to communicate with. If something resonates with you, please don’t hesitate to connect with me because I’d like to hear about it.

Thanks again for stopping by!

Dana