Aging’s a Bitch, but it’s Better than the Alternative

It’s not something I experience 24/7, but as an aging woman in my 50’s, it’s present more now than ever before. I don’t know anyone as preoccupied with perceived physical flaws as I am, so I’m just guessing I’m a little f’d up in that area. Before my 50’s, I was able to maintain a semi youthful appearance. Now gravity is getting the best of me and I’m not in a position financially to have anything “fixed.” Instead, I need to get into a genuine mindset accepting of the aging process and focus on reaching a higher potential from the inside out.

I realized something was wrong in my 40’s. I’d be doing yardwork or driving my car or shopping in the local grocery store and I wouldn’t want anyone to look at me because I was so self-conscious. If I didn’t have time to put on makeup before leaving the house, I’d make sure I had my sunglasses to hide behind. To take that even further, I’d make sure I went out to do the errands during the day, so I’d have an excuse for the sunglasses.

Here it is 10+ years later and the sagging, beginning stages of crapey skin and varicose leg veins is something I’m struggling even harder to hide. I wear pants all summer long because I’m so consumed with the thought that someone may be disgusted with how my legs look. I’m totally willing to be on the verge of heatstroke, while everyone around me is enjoying the weather. This, coming from a person who spent many a summer out on the beaches of California or by a pool or boating on the Colorado river in a bathing suit for a large majority of the time.

Putting on makeup is highly annoying because I can’t see wtf I’m doing half the time – especially eyeliner when my eyes are puffy, crinkly, and watery. Makeup is a bitch, that’s all there is to it. I use to love the artistry of it and now I dread it. Then there is the hair. A large percentage of my hairline has turned white. At least from what I can see while I’m dyeing it. I’m not seeing gray, only white. I dye my own roots about every two weeks and feel much more confident in my appearance after doing so, but how long do I want to continue to slather all those chemicals all over my scalp? I am not a chemical type of person AT ALL. Most of the food I purchase is organic, I’ve never used a pesticide on anything and I’m very conscious of the products I apply to my skin.

I’ve recently been considering a transition to my natural state hair-wise, but I don’t think I’d be able to handle the line of demarcation between the white and the color it’s been most of my life. I really don’t even know what’s going on in those hair follicles of mine because I haven’t seen it in decades. I started following a few silver haired women on Instagram who are all about embracing the gray (or silver) and there’s one that is all before and after transition posts of lots of different women. I’m thinking these women are pretty brave! I know I’ll get there, just not quite yet.

Change the Mind, Change the Appearance?

Another little tidbit, I was recently going through our wedding photos and noticed my smile was once much bigger than it is now. I don’t understand how something so much a part of a human can change like that. Is it because I’m so much more self-conscious now? It’s amazing how much a person’s appearance can be affected in ways that are mentally initiated. A more confident person will smile big and genuine. My smiles are usually a fake, insecure, “oh my God what do I look like right now?” type of smile. Candid shots tend to come out much better. As you can imagine, I’m not much of a selfie taker and if someone else happens to get one of me, I make sure it’s Dana approved before they’re allowed to post it. Is that enjoying the moment? Is that what’s important in life? Or might it be better to be fully present and not worried so much about how I look in the photo? AND I want to smile bigger again!

I’m currently at a point in my life where I want to move from just settling with the way I am, to thriving and experiencing more of who I could be. I want to be able to document my Wayfarin’ Woman experiences out on the trails, my art and whatever else without appearing self-conscious in a photo or video. So here I am once again, arriving at the same solution as for so many of my other issues. Get my damn eyes off of myself and focus outward! My goal isn’t personal beauty. My goal is to convey the beauty I experience in my spirit through the senses. That is one thing I know about myself, I see beauty in a lot of places where others don’t and I think the world would be a better place if people looked up or outside of themselves once in awhile. I can’t force people to see these things, but I can make an effort to put it out there.